Dress for success for a date with a Patel
Your choice of garment tells the world who you are from a Patel point of view. From your Girlfriend’s point of view, it tells the world who she's sleeping with, so you can be sure she's going to care how you turn your¬self out. Some of you guys are naturally stylish, and she can follow your lead. But others have a garment test that goes like this: Is it dean? Does it fit? Is it all in one piece? If the answer is yes to two out of three, you're good to go. But here comes your girlfriend, hinting, helping, and sometimes harping. It's always nice to get tips from an expert, but it can get to the point where you feel like a BOYFRIEND mannequin, and who wants that?
It's not about trying to impress your girlfriend by spending a month's rent on a pair of shoes; nor is it about becoming a metrosexual. We don't care whether you're a hedge-fund manager or a geography teacher. We are here to offer guidance so your clothes don't detract from your charm and good
Bare Necessities on a date with a Patel
In the same way you wouldn't get her a fabulous piece of jewelry and wrap it in a paper bag, you don't want to be going around in some sad underwear that doesn't show the family jewels to their advantage. Young John and the twins deserve better. Underwear really is important. Like Superman and his X-ray vision, girls have a supernatural ability, especially when it comes to men's underwear. In a crowded room, we can pick out which guy is wearing cool boxers or totally lame briefs. Briefs—what we call "man-panties"—are disgusting, and you shouldn't wear them. Girls like boxers. We think they're sexy, that they leave something to the imagination.What's more, they don't give us the outline of your package, all squished up and scary, like strange sea creatures. Trust us: We don't want to see what you would look like in a Speedo every time you take off your pants. And another thing: Boxers hold up better over time. A ratty old pair of briefs, all gray and stained and full of holes, makes a man look like he belongs in an orphanage.If you like the support that briefs afford and don't want all your dangling bits dangling around, there are some cool, flattering compromises out there:
- may carry a somewhat higher price tag, but, like the perfect pair of black pants, make everybody and butt look good.
- T-box performs the same task as a magnifying glass. The front acts like a kind of codpiece to make even the most challenged package look huge. If you've ever seen a Shakespeare play, you know how flattering a codpiece can be to those Two Gentlemen of Verona.
- Stanfields area sexy variation on the Wild Wild West long underwear you see on the old reruns of Gunsmoke. They have two buttons (purely ornamental) and make a guy look rugged and tough.
- Banana Republic boxers aren't as form-fitting as T-box or; they're more along the lines of the classic boxer. They give you room to swing without leaving you twisting in the wind.
We're traditionalists, though, and believe that the classic boxer is the way to go. If you need more convincing, check out any of those Abercrombie & Fitch ads. Sure, the pictures are geared to the Brokeback Mountain crowd, but you can't deny how fantastic the underwear looks. They fade in a cool sexy way—think Ivy League, summers sailing in Maine, making coffee in the morning with your girlfriend and a yellow Lab at your side. Or if you live on the West Coast, think surfers, who wouldn't be caught dead in briefs. And if you need any further persuasion, know that the sight of a grown man in a pair of tighty whities pulled up over his belly but¬ton makes us want to smash your head in.
The Jeans and Other Considerations which Patel girls care about
It doesn't get much sexier than a guy in the right pair of jeans and a T-shirt. As American as apple pie, favored by cowboys and made famous by movie stars, jeans have become a way of life, a fashion statement, a fashion staple, and a money pit. Even the Dalai Lama wears jeans, but only when he's in
Boxers are more forgiving than briefs. Love han¬dles don't seep down over the sides, and they make your legs and waist look good—no ifs, ands, or butts.
The kind of jeans you wear—and how you wear them—speak volumes not just about your ass but about you. Jeans can turn your girlfriend on or make her gag. As your most low-maintenance, ready-for-anything look, jeans are probably your first choice. You throw them on and you're done. But not so fast, mister we need to discuss a little thing called fit.
YOUR BUTT CRACK SHOWING. Trends come and go—and come and go, and come and go—but here's a good rule of thumb: If your jeans are resting right on top of your crotch, they are too low. We don't want to see your pubic hair, and we really don't want to see Crackatowa. Also, what is the point of reaching for your wallet down by your knees and having yards and yards of fabric pooling around your kicks?
JEANS. If you haven't gone out to buy jeans in eight years, you are wearing "mom" jeans. We guarantee they are too tight, too loose, too high-waisted, pleated, or too short. Seeing a guy in mom jeans can permanently extinguish the flames of desire. Let your mom wear mom jeans, and go get yourself a couple of new pairs every year.
SHOWING OFF YOUR ARMS. Cutting off the sleeves of your button-down shirt to highlight your guns only flies if you're one of the Dukes of Hazzard. If you need to show off your arms (which we applaud), a formfitting white T-shirt rocks.
FAT SHOWING - Avoid clothes that are too tight. If you've put on a few pounds, get yourself a bigger pair of jeans. And be aware that all parts of the body expand when you put on weight, not just the part that your jeans cover. We know a guy who got too fat for his glasses. If your shirt is feeling a bit tight around your neck, pay attention. We can forgive the weight gain, but it's impossible to have a conversation with a guy who looks like his blood flow is being slowly cut off by his collar.
SUITS - Suits are sexy; invest in a good one. We mean it, although we're not sure you guys believe us. The sight of a man in a well-tailored suit can make a girl's heart skip a beat. We don't care about ties, per se, just don't wear ones with race cars or golfers on them.
SHOES - Bad shoes area neon light blinking RUN AWAY to potential girlfriends. You can go to a lot of trouble with your ensemble, and if your shoes are geeky, disgusting, or look like they were made in Eastern Europe, all your work has gone to waste. We don't need a fashion plate. Philip Seymour Hoffman is adorable in his scruffiosity, but even he (who believes that a sweatshirt the cat has been sleeping on is haute couture) always has cool shoes. If your idea of high style is a pair of Danskin character shoes (standard choice for mimes), get a new idea.
HATS: We know they were cool last year or maybe even last week, but even in their day, you looked really stupid in them. Guys thought they looked like Ashton Kutcher, Brad Pitt, or Colin Farrell, and really they looked like reservoir-tipped condoms. Come on, even Jack Nicholson turned the edge up,
turning the look into a "studley watch cap" instead of "refugee from a Dr. Seuss book."
BOOTS: Unless you live in Texas, do not wear cow boy boots (or cowboy hats) with a suit. This was acceptable in the 1980s when Dallas was the hottest show on TV, but unless your day job involves roping and branding, steer clear.
PICKING CLOTHES - What You See/What She Sees
YOU SEE: Your tank top made from that cool mesh material with the NASCAR logo. Sexy and pleasantly cool.
SHE SEES: A window not into your soul but into the bushy thatch of your underarm hair. Confirmation that only Bubba and Olympic skaters should wear mesh anything.
YOU SEE: That Guatemalan vest you got when you went down to South America to build houses with Habitat for Humanity. You're a world traveler, socially conscious, wear¬ing a hip blue vest that really complements your eyes.
SHE SEES: A refugee from the 70s and a vest that should have been canceled along with The Sonny and Cher Show.
YOU SEE: A buff guy in a sexy gym outfit that shows all your best qualities. Perfect for picking up girls.
SHE SEES: Herman the German poking out of his too-short shorts. Proof that spandex should be outlawed.
You SEE: Your hilarious T-shirt with FUCK YOGA on the front. SHE SEES: Your hilarious T-shirt with FUCK YOGA on the front.
And So to Bed
What to wear to bed? If you're with your girlfriend, she'll usually want you to wear your birthday suit. Some guys don't feel comfortable sleeping in their altogether and will pull on a pair of their cool underwear (detailed above) and a T-shirt. Fine, so long as you draw the line at matching flannel PJs. Your girlfriend wants to sleep with her BOYFRIEND, not her little brother. If you can pull off a pair of those cool loose pants, worn without a shirt over your morning cup of coffee, your girlfriend will want to pull you back to bed. Just know that whatever you wear or don't wear to bed, you need to avoid earplugs, eye masks, snore guards, socks, the same shirt you worked out in, and silk pajamas—unless
Natty Dressers Throughout History
LOUIS XIV: Wore wigs and high heels, but the ladies still lined up. It's good to be Sun King.
TEDDY ROOSEVELT. A man's man, the leader of the free world. Built like a squat lineman but managed to be a snappy dresser whether in suits or safari gear. Made John Lennon glasses the rage long before the British Invasion.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: The guy had ten girlfriends, and if you can wear a porkpie hat, a rumpled suit, and still come up with the theory of relativity, whatever you do is fashion.
JAMES BOND: So he's fictional; from Connery to Craig, the way Bond wears a simple black tux makes him truly licensed to kill.
LONE RANGER: He made tight white pants, gloves with fringe, and black masks mysterious and sexy. If you can make a horse come when you call, you're doing something right.
BARACK OBAMA: The New Statesman, sleek and graceful. Con¬servative dark suits with understated ties. If handsome is as handsome does, this guy is a winner on both fronts.
DAVID LETTERMAN: It's hard to notice anything beyond the gap in his teeth and his rapier wit, but as he buttons and unbuttons his jacket and continually strokes his tie, we are reminded of the phrase "too sexy for his shirt." We wonder what it would be like to be unbuttoned and stroked by him.
JOLLY GREEN GIANT: Knew how to work with his height and stuck to solid colors, which are slimming.
WINNIE-THE-POOH: Love his warm and cuddly look, although we're on the fence about his decision to go without pants.
you are Al Pacino in Scarface, an elderly invalid, or an edi¬tor from Hustler magazine.